A first date is all about showcasing your best qualities, your good side. For many a person a trip to the cinema or watching a film at your house is the perfect situation in which to show how cultured you are whilst essentially sitting in the dark, eating snack food and not talking. But oh how these situations can go terribly wrong, which is why we here at The Daily Scoundrel have compiled the top ten films which you should under no circumstances watch on a first date. You have been warned…

Dennis Hopper gets romantic in Blue Velvet

10. Blue Velvet

Top of the list has to be David Lynch’s masterpiece Blue Velvet. Unless you’re dating what is known in the hip hop community as a ‘straight freak’ there is very little chance that Dennis Hopper puffing on an oxygen mask, punching Isabella Rossellini square in the face and screaming “Mommy, mommy…baby wants to fuck!” will elicit anything other than a polite handshake and a taxi home alone.

That's gotta hurt...

9. The Beyond

If the purpose of asking a pretty young lady round to your gaff to watch a movie is in fact to mentally disturb her with a truly demented horror film then Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond is right on the money. From Fabio Frizzi’s outstandingly baroque score through to the opening scene of angry villagers nailing a bloke to the wall and dumping a barrel load of corrosive quicklime over him, The Beyond makes Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like a particularly fluffy episode of My Family. And to be frank, the unbelievably realistic depiction of a young girl’s head exploding has all the romance of shaving ‘Me+U4eva’ into your back hair.

Irreversible

8. Irreversible

Rape themed films are a definite mood killer during the early stages of any relationship, especially a film like Irreversible that positively wallows in sexual violence whilst proffering no moral centre through which redemption or closure can be achieved.
Throw in a digitally created penis, a gay club called The Rectum, a fire extinguisher caving in some blokes bonce and you have all the ingredients for the worst first date since De Niro took Cybill Shepherd to see a hardcore porn film in Taxi Driver.

Talking fox just out of shot.

7. Antichrist

Lars Von Trier is a director that is definitely best avoided during preliminary courtship rituals. The theme of mentally ill people having sex is unlikely to endear you to anyone, yet it is indeed a theme that runs throughout his work. Antichrist is no exception, only this time there is the added fun of infant death, female circumcision and a talking fox. A Valentine’s Day classic if ever there was one.

Ouch...

6. Hellraiser 2 aka Hellbound

“Hey baby, ever seen a mental patient hack his body apart with a straight razor before having the life sucked out of him by a skinless ghoul?”, is a bad opening gambit to any romantic evening so you would be best to avoid this sequel to Clive Barker’s original Hellraiser. In fact, avoid ALL horror movie sequels.

...a fucking endurance test

5. Gummo

Gummo is frankly a fucking endurance test for even the most cynical and emotionally numb of cinema goers. The grimy and grimly depressing narrative revolves around the hopelessly nihilistic inhabitants of a tornado stricken American town. The two most likeable characters kill stray cats for a living and by the time you’ve seen one particularly delightful young gentleman pimp out his down syndrome sister you and your date will have probably lost the will to live.

Borstal fun in Scum

4. Scum

What qualifies Scum as the fourth worst film to watch on a first date? Well, suicide, institutionalised brutality, vicious snooker ball-in-a-sock beatings, male rape and Ray Winstone’s battered mug staring at you for an hour and a half pretty much covers it. If you’re talking about sexy films it’s between this and Passion of the Christ.

Requiem For a Dream

3. Requiem For a Dream

Darren Aronofsky’s visually stunning film is unquestionably a gut wrenching depiction of drug addiction and madness but even the most open minded of dates will be likely to squirm uncomfortably at the sex show finale. Then again, if the site of a horrid old crone handing Jennifer Connelly and her partner a double ended dildo and exclaiming, “ass to ass!”, doesn’t bother your date – she’s a keeper!

Alec Baldwin takes no prisoners in Glengarry Glen Ross

2. Glengarry Glen Ross

With a ridiculously stellar cast including Al Pacino, Kevin Spacey, Ed Harris and Alec Baldwin you would imagine Glengarry Glen Ross to be perfect Saturday night date fodder. WRONG!
Yes, it is without doubt a superbly shot and directed film with an outstanding script by David Mamet, but there’s nothing that can kill a romantic, convivial atmosphere quite like a film about imploding real estate salesmen. Glengarry Glen Ross is a man’s film, made by men for men. So unless you’re in a same sex relationship it probably isn’t a top choice. Other excellent but blokey films that fall into this category are No Country For Old Men, Unforgiven, Twelve Angry Men and There Will Be Blood.

Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant

1. Bad Lieutenant

From the man who brought us Driller Killer, Abel Ferrara, comes Harvey Keitel’s finest and most extreme performance to date. What really cements Bad Lieutenant as veritable first date death is the opening scene of a nun being raped. And to be honest what follows isn’t much better. Drug taking, perverse sexual acts and a downbeat, morally ambiguous ending are all present and correct during the blistering 96 minute running time. Even John Holmes couldn’t get laid after watching this film.