TV: The Crank File – Dr, No!
Last week I had the misfortune of catching an episode of Dr Who on BBC3. Well, I was actually trying to read Truman Capote’s true crime masterpiece In Cold Blood but the intrusive soundtrack and screeching dialogue emanating from the TV kept drawing me from my book until I capitulated to the direness and sat in slack jawed amazement at what now passes as entertainment.
The episode in question seemed to concern diet pills of some description that turned into little baby-like creatures made of fat, which made for lots of ‘hilarious’ scenes of tubby proles looking confused as their bodies appeared to melt. It was frankly utter shite. Which is fair enough, I have always viewed Dr Who as a children’s programme, and not even a good children’s programme. I’m talking about the kind of thing thick kids watch whilst eating spaghetti hoops and drinking coke from a three litre bottle. But rather disconcertingly there seems to be some kind of collective blindness to how bad it is, with even people like the usually sane Charlie Brooker extolling its virtues. How exactly someone can enjoy The Wire, Deadwood and Dr Who in equal measure is beyond me.
The problem that lies at the heart of Dr Who is much the same as the fatal flaw at the heart of Superman. There is no sense of dramatic tension, the Dr is immortal and therefore nothing is ever really gonna happen to him. The hacks that write the Dr Who scripts can feebly attempt to ratchet up the suspense by putting the hatefully unfunny Catherine Tate in some form of danger, but ultimately you know that David Tennant will show up with his sonic screwdriver and make time go backwards or something equally bollocks. The only conceivable way to ‘get’ the Dr would be to cut of his limbs, separate them out in to four separate boxes and then send them to alternative dimensions with atmospheres made of excrement and fire. But even then some half arsed space gizmo could probably put him back together again, allowing him to continue his smug space voyages alongside whichever intergalactic prag he’s picked up this series. I mean really, he should just keep a chained catamite and have done with it. Does Dr Who even have a cock? Well he has two hearts so maybe he’s got two penises. Now there’s a concept that would really liven up the Christmas special, and in years to come people could fondly reminisce about how they crouched behind the settee in fear of something other than the daleks. Until then I’ll get back to In Cold Blood.
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It’s really not fair to judge by one atrocious episode. The fact is the show is astonishingly different (tonally, in cast, in setting, in demographic) week to week. The fact is there is usually only 4/5 quality episodes in a 13 ep season (at least until Moffat’s reboot next year), but those are so brilliant it’s really worth it.
You should try, you know, an episode that isn’t utter shite, like Paul Cornell’s ‘Human Nature’ two parter which solves a lot of your superman problems with the Doctor. David Tennant plays an ordinary boarding school teacher (with one heart beat, and strange dreams) at the turn of the century. Only a maid, his real companion, knows who he really is and why he’s hiding. And definitely look out for any of Stephen Moffat’s episodes too, easily the highlight of each season. Blink starring the up and coming Carey Mulligan (she was amazing this year in An Education), is a remarkable episode that features very little Doctor (but something that wouldn’t be possible in any other series).
In fact usually the dramatic tension usually isn’t supposed to come from the Doctor surviving (tbf, the regeneration aspect rarely comes up in the show), if it’s not from his companion or the other characters, then it’s from a dilemma he has to grapple with himself (the last episode and surprisingly great, The Waters of Mars, is an example of this).
You do have to sense of light heartedness and fun though, it’s not the Wire.
And I should mention that each week is a completely different writer, and when there’s very minimal overall arcs these means they pretty have free reign to what they want (which can very bad or rather good). Also, watch Blink.
*And I should mention that each week is a completely different writer (and the showrunner, who is on is way out, couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag and penned the episode you rightly tear apart). When there is minimal connections between episodes, the writers clearly have nearly free reign to do what they want (which can very bad or rather good).
Also, watch Blink.
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